Before I started writing this, I had to go back and look at the previous days blogs and find where I am. The last posts feature anger, sadness, and trying to laugh it off.
I feel quite lost and I don’t know what I’m trying to get out now. I’ve had to change my work, but I’m not going to write about that today because it’s too confusing and upsetting.
I need a baseline so that I can have something to compare as the days and months go on. After working a full day yesterday – 8:30-5:30 – at a fairly high intensity, I feel hungover today. Dry throat, sticky eyes, heavy legs with tingling behind my knees. An ache at the base of my neck which I’m not sure if it’s a headache or a muscle ache. My pointer fingers have pain along the side of them and when I clench my fists, the tips of my fingers are weak. I feel hungry and nauseous at the same time. My shoulders ache and my lower back hurts.
I’m thinking of the people who will be discussing me for a short time this morning and trying to fight the sadness off. It’s really important I look for the good in this and try to find the positives. There will be some. Just not what I was planning on or expecting. For now the pressure is off in one way, but on in another. I said last night I feel like the fight is just beginning, but after some thought changed fight to journey. It’s a much friendlier word and I don’t want a fight.
A quote popped into my head this morning from the indy film ‘Reality Bites’. Troy is talking on camera in Leilani’s doco about his relationship with his father.
"Son, the answers are all inside of this. " And I'm all, like, "What?" But then I realised that the shell was empty. There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... A random lottery of meaningless tragedy... and a series of near escapes.
He is being a bit of a wanker, let’s face it, he’d be called a hipster these days, and he doesn’t really get the meaning behind what he’s said until his father dies, but what he says is believable. There’s no point asking why, and yet we still do it.