I’ve got a piece bubbling away about in my mind about time, particularly having watched the Anzac march this morning, but it’s not ready to share yet.
Mostly this week has been difficult because I’ve felt sick for quite a bit of it and as usual there doesn’t seem to be a reason I can put my finger on. I don’t really understand my body and it’s responses now like I did before. You get to know your own body and what it does and you know when you’ve done too much (or eaten or drunk too much!).
The pins and needles I spoke about being thankful for stayed with me for 48 hours until Thursday, which seems excessive but only because I don’t understand what causes them. I felt very nauseous on Thursday morning and my shift was only meant to be for 4 hours on Thursday afternoon but it still felt like a great burden. After a bit of thought, I did push myself to go and for the first time in months, I was glad I had, because I felt better there. I didn’t want to eat anything but found some peppermint chocolate in the back room – and being my long time cure for everything – I enjoyed it. We were having fun at work, laughing and chatting and for a brief moment I felt a little guilty. I questioned myself.. ‘shouldn’t you be behaving a little sicker than you are? Should you really be feeling happy?’ Strange thoughts for sure, but it shows me how the illness had gotten into my head. I’ve spent 4 months now finding my limitations hard to grasp and so pushing them and feeling the repercussions. I’ve gotten used to trying things and feeling punished, but the last 2 days I’ve really felt a lot better than I have in a long while.
It could be the rest. I certainly look better; the face I see in the mirror has some colour and the lines that were advancing from the edges of my eyes to the edges of my face, have receded. It could be the reduction in pressure from having given up the management role. It could be time. I COULD BE GETTING BETTER!!!
But I don’t want to hope, even though I can’t help it, the hope is there no matter what I do.
I was drawn during the week to a blog by a woman fighting terminal cancer. She has 4 little girls. Gosh it really put things into perspective. Even though I’ve been dealing with this for 4 months now, I do expect to get better. When I was feeling bad this week, on the long drive to work, my mind wandered to consider the question ‘What if this doesn’t go away?’. I only allowed this question to tumble around in my mind for a few seconds, then brushed it away. It’s not time yet to think like that. I have time.