This week has been hard. The flu shot definitely set me back, stirred up my immune system and made me feel fatigued again. I’m still achey and sore mainly throughout my neck, back, shoulders and arms.
But the worst part was probably the mental side of things. Until I visited the doctor I was just doing what came naturally, trying to wind down from work but keeping busy. Visiting the doc forced me to look at myself, knowing she would ask ‘how have you been?’ and the answer wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I realised I was in much the same state and the stupid thing is, it’s my own fault! When I gave up full time work, I immediately started to fill the days with fun things to do with my daughter. We visited the library story time, signed up to a weekly dance class, went for breakfast often and walked around the zoo. We visited gardening centres and renovation stores looking for pot plants and curtains. It’s been lovely, but tiring and I didn’t notice I’d given myself another full time job again. I just want to feel like I used to before I got sick.
Choose Life, my brain says. It can’t help it, years of living don’t relinquish over night. I guess it’s like a drug addict, I’m addicted to a certain way of life, but this one I don’t want to rid myself of it.
I heard during the week that the woman who ran the newsagent in our centre took her own life. I didn’t know her well, but she was always smiling and she had a young daughter I met a few times. I have nothing really to say about this, except it’s incredibly sad and nothing is what it appears on the surface.
I found this article online which really put into words to my thoughts about the antidepressant prescription. It’s still there in the back of my diary, un-filled, it’s promise hanging heavily on me.
I realise I probably need to invest a bit more time in myself over the next few weeks with things that give back. I will book a time for a massage. I will visit the naturopath. I will nap during the day. And I will go for a short walk each day. See if I can’t build myself back up again. Do what I should’ve a month ago.