I’ve been thinking this week about cancelling my next appointment with my GP. I’m wondering what good it will do me to go along and have the same discussion as last time. I have not taken the Cymbalta and I doubt I will. It feels like I’d be adding another thing for my immune system to cope with.
Also as my Professional Writing course comes to the end of it’s semester and appointments for course counselling are being scheduled, I’ve been thinking about giving that away for a semester again. I’ve only had one subject this year, with an assignment due each fortnight but even that’s been a burden, and I feel a little lost in the process. I began it 3 years ago when my daughter was born, but right now, I’m just completing assignments. Not writing (except here).
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about belonging. What happens when your sense of belonging is either taken away or you remove yourself from it? I feel like this now. I was a manager. I built a team for two years and it feels like all of a sudden it has been taken away. In truth, I fought the reality for four months before I gave in. But what am I left with now. Two years wasted effort? What am I if I’m not team leader? Where is all the energy going to go when it comes back? It’s why I find it a bit hard to celebrate and I have to apologise to family, friends and colleagues if I’m just not as lighthearted as I used to be. Mostly this year has just really sucked! And for what reason? None that I can see yet. Maybe one day my narrative will clearly unfold and I can look back and give this meaning.
I do find it strange when I look in the mirror and don’t really recognise the face looking back. Oh it’s still the same face it always has been, it just looks a bit different, maybe a bit more sallow or a bit pale and my hair always looks limp or straggly just hanging there. Life is a bit too serious right now. I value receiving understanding from people I’ve never met in the WordPress community and I’ve been watching old episodes of Entourage lately (don’t judge me!). It’s light-hearted, funny and I envy the close friendships. Plus I love a good Ari rant.
So, the question remains, what do I do now? Give in? Accept the havoc this virus wreaked on my carefully built life? Keep fighting, looking for more help to find answers and get ‘back to normal’? Turn it into something good? Write a book? Do something with my life I’ve always wanted to? After this nap perhaps… I don’t have the energy for all this right now.