I’ve woken with a headache and the sore muscles along my right side are aching even more. I suppose it didn’t help to have my sick daughter in bed with me from 10pm. Perhaps I have caught her cold. It’d be hard not to when she sneezes in my face! I actually feel like I’ve got a hangover but I haven’t drunk alcohol in ages. Yesterday I even gave myself a day off and rested and hardly checked work emails (which is good for me!) but today I feel worse. I have noticed some very negative thoughts creeping back in over the last few days now that I think about it. Since receiving the referral I’ve been mentally preparing the ‘history essay’ I need to write for the doctor, pondering over all the symptoms and side affects of the last 6 months. Thinking about aches, pains, stabbing sensations and fatigue. Should I sit down and get it out so I’m not dwelling any longer because I really think using up valuable mental energy on it might be hindering my recovery. I should also be writing a 700 word discussion for my course on whether or not the written word is dead. Perhaps I should just submit this blog, because I think it’s not for sure! Actually the essay could be on whether or not the novel is dead. I can’t remember. Must look that up. Ive also been asked to write a funny/serious piece about the difficulties of being a team leader for my boss to give to the current new team leaders. He wants to prepare them for how hard it really is. Meanwhile I’m sitting on the couch, typing this while my daughter watches the Wiggles on DVD. Guilt consumes me. We should be out at a park or play cafe doing something energetic but today there’s no way I can. Not only that but I have to work later today and for the next three days. I know I will be shattered by the end of it. It’s hard to reconcile this result with the ‘Why?’. Why am I doing all this, this way? It’s hard, it’s not making me better. The reason I gave up work was to have more energy to spend time with my daughter. Why isn’t that happening? Perhaps this morning I need to set the guilt aside and write that essay, get it out so I’m not obsessing. Write that piece about team leading and write the essay on the written word due tomorrow. Be done with them and think about them no longer. Get back to thinking positive thoughts. Or even better, no thoughts at all.
ps… I feel like I want to add something to this post after I posted it. Often people advise to ‘think positive’ and I know their advice comes from a good place and I don’t want to discount that. But I also know that it’s hard to switch lanes that quickly when life is going bad around you. When you’ve got a narrative going on, and if you’re like me, it’s an actual voice mumbling on saying things like…
‘Wow that shoulder really hurts today, I wonder why, do you think the massage will fix it? why didn’t it fix it last time? Why is it hanging around so much, gosh I’m tired, I need to do something about being tired, what can I do? I must go to bed early but what do I do, go to bed at 8…? etc etc etc.
So sometimes the best you can do, is to actively start thinking about something else. Doesn’t have to be positive. Just take note of the mumbling, which I think is the brain in neutral amusing itself, and send it off to think about something else. Maybe the weather, maybe a book, maybe stare at a picture for a while and think about the people in it – who aren’t you.