I received an writing assignment back this week, that I thought I’d done pretty well on, with a comment ‘I enjoyed your essay and your approach to the debate’, a B grade and a piece of the markers own writing on the topic suggesting I might be interested to read her approach. I read the first line and realised that yes, she had that approach. You know the one? When you read something and you know you’re reading something. I can’t explain it very well but it reads well at first and then, somehow, for me, it doesn’t seem real. The words seemed staged, too thought about, too edited. I’ll just point out here, that she is the lecturer and owns her own publishing company, sooooo perhaps I am not the best one to judge…?
Anyway, it got me thinking… I should write like that, I should take more time with my writing and perhaps I should re-read it before I post it! But I think I’ve come back to the idea that this blog just exists for me to pour stuff out, so editing, censoring, polishing is not going to work here.
The last two weeks have been so horrible. Before that it was a slow kind of up and down bobbing around in the shallows feeling… a day or two of slightly more energy, followed by a day or two of slightly less energy and backtracking. Wave up, wave down. Not unpleasant and kind of predictable. I could feel the energy return, I’d use it then a little more ( I couldn’t help myself) and then the slow downside of the wave would begin, the waves never crested, just rolled on with my feet coming back to touch the sand every now and again.
Well, I got a cold off my daughter. And the wave broke and crashed on my head. I didn’t get the upside of the high wave, I didn’t get a corresponding lift in energy before a huge wave of descent began down the other side. Sore throat, difficultly breathing at night, constant waking up, stiff neck with referred pain down to my hip, coughing up substances of incredible solidity and headaches every morning. My thinking caved in and irrational thoughts returned. I think I wrote about wanting not to be here. And with it came the anger and extreme emotions. I felt so angry but not because this situation sucks (and it does) I just felt angry! Anger is such a big emotion, you can feel it translate to your body with clenched fists, stiff posture and frowning faces. And then I stumbled upon this article below from another blogger here, a nurse in the States. The gist of it is, a link between the brain and the immune system has been discovered and has huge implications for the understanding of many illnesses that have neurological symptoms but also in what we all already felt, being ill makes you angry, it makes you anxious, it makes you sad, it makes you feel heightened emotions. And often when the illness is gone, so are the extreme emotions.
I had a brilliant day yesterday, doing a fundraiser afternoon tea for the Cancer Council, because I know a lot of family and friends that have been affected, and it really lifted my mood. That and the cold is lifting. I coughed up only a small lego brick sized chunk of phlegm this morning (ew) and that was good for me. I’ve had a day of slightly returning energy. The wave is on the way back up and I am thankful, even as I know it’ll come back down again. I really hope to God it doesn’t try to drown me again, but it’s the start of winter, so I have to expect it will. Two weeks until the Infectious Diseases specialist appointment. Looking forward to that.