Today I’m feeling better, but when I say that, it’s my mind that feels better, not my body. My body still feels like the same old pile of crap it has all week, month, year. I didn’t go to the blood test yesterday, instead I gave myself some space and only tried one challenge – the primary school interview. And we got a place for my daughter. It felt so good to finally experience some success again. I’d missed the feeling of achievement. We may not take it up, we want to check out options but it’s great to know she has a spot, somewhere she’s wanted, even if it is almost 2 years away.
This morning before work I attended the lab to have the blood test and something else went right. I needed to be out of there fast to get to work on time and having never visited this office before I accidentally came up the staff elevator and jumped the queue to first place. The nurse thought it was funny, we had a nice chat and she referred me to a doctor who is also a naturopath (although she said it the other way round).
For a long time every movement has felt like I’m lagging behind myself. My brain races with things to do… Silly stuff like this… I stand up from the couch to go to bed and put my phone on charge, walk to my room, but then remember I want to check the temperature overnight, so I go back to check, then go to my room, then remember I didn’t turn the lights off, so go back to do that, then to my room, then realise I want some water but then think of something I want to write so go back to get my phone etc etc. It might be hard to convey but every movement feels tiresome and so does every thought.
Tonight for a brief period I felt like I caught up with myself. Things didn’t feel too hard and here I am writing at 10pm and it feels ok. It may have something to do with this post I received tonight (it’s linked at the top of the page – I learned how to link yay! But not how to place it where I want). I have no idea where I came across this guy, but he’s a straight talker and I like it. Very relevant currently as I recently described myself as in the ‘middle of a failure’ at work. June 30 is the deadline (end of financial year here in Oz) and the store I managed for 9 out of 12 of the last months (and the 12 months before that) will be assessed for its success or failure in 3 days time. It’s been looming over me and I’ve been wishing the days away. Is it getting easier because it’s getting closer or am I going easier on myself through exploring and redefining my definition of success?
Haven’t I had some success this past 6 months?
(wrote this last night and managed to publish it as a page and not a post… Hmmm tired)