Free at Last, free at last!

This phrase, and with the ending – ‘thank God almighty I am free at last (sic)’ has been echoing around my head for the last few days.  Not at all to compare to King’s civil rights movement but three months ago when I chose to leave the management position, I did so after almost 2 years of hard work towards a goal that would be realised June 30.  Yesterday it was realised.  I’m being purposely circumspect because the point for me is not the achievement, it’s that the foundations were laid, and the team carried on with momentum without me and made the goal.  I don’t get the financial or fringe benefit reward but the feeling for me is still the same.  I got them most of the way.  I made a difference in people’s lives and now I am free of that burden because they took over and finished it themselves.  After months of telling them we could do it and receiving blank faces and bad attitudes, they finally saw the light and did it!

And it’s an incredible relief now that it’s over.  I still don’t know where I’m heading.  I keep finding myself fantasizing about things I’d do differently next time I’m a team leader but this might just be habit until I replace it with something better.

Because yesterday I got the news that it’s most likely that the viruses that caused this devastation are gone but have left a liver functioning at a 3 on a spectrum of 1 to 5, with 5 being chronic failure.  That was shocking to hear but also explains a lot.  It’s strange that as humans we seem to need a ‘reason’ to be sick or something that lets us off the hook and before yesterday I only had some viruses and bad luck.  Today I understand why I’ve been so tired and what I can try to fix it.  That is an easier situation for me psychologically.  I know that had I not found anything out, I would have had to make a choice to be kind to myself and treat myself as if I was really sick with rest and a good diet.

And I really feel like now I can do that, because before I was wrapped up with the journey the team was on and helping them get there.  Now that’s done.  It’s completely handed over to someone else.  And I can relax a little more.

It would be easy to get consumed by thoughts of ‘what if I hadn’t gotten sick?’ and ‘Why me?’ but luckily I’ve never been prone to these thoughts because my practical brain doesn’t entertain them.  You can’t change what has happened.  You can manage how you feel about it.  Also, I could have made the same target as the team did with some extra work but I chose not to force myself when my body told me it wasn’t coping.  And that’s important and an achievement in itself.

So a new year… in retail July 1 is like Jan 1, full of all sorts of resolutions that as the months roll on will fall aside and ideas and dreams that may not work or be achieved, but for today it still feels like anything is possible.

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