You are not under any orders…

On Friday I ingested 2.5 grams of vitamin D in one hit and today I had over a ml of vitamin B12 injected into my arm.  In between I flew to Melbourne for an awards night and was back in just over 24 hours.

Result?  Cement veins.

Is it a human failing or strength to neglect to see oneself as weak? I think I did those things because I felt I had to.  The awards night because I felt required to but it was also a spiritual send off, a nod to the previous me and I revelled in it.  Today is payback.

Actually it could be any of those things. I feel worse today than I did yesterday.  It could be the B12.  It could be another poor nights sleep last night, it could be the cold I seem to be coming down with.  I don’t know my body any more.  I know that this insanely heavy feeling in my limbs would cause panic  if I didn’t know about the virus, because it feels so bad.

I really hope I don’t feel this bad again tomorrow.  It’s wearing so thin.  I told my doctor today that often I just wanted to close the door, shut the curtains on life, switch off my phone, resign from my job and curl up and pretend the world is gone.  She looked mildly concerned and encouraged me to carry on.  Which I will.  It’s an urge I resist because the fall out of not having an income, not having a job, halting all that would probably be harder than carrying on.  Probably.

I have realised that I am not under any orders to make the world a better place for me or anyone else.  Helping others is something I like to do, but I need to look after myself now, and I’m learning slowly what that really means.  Not simple things like eating well, but more complex ones like who you surround yourself with, what you choose to do with your time, how you think and how you talk to yourself.  Not living up to others expectations can be one of the most freeing feelings in life and over the weekend I realised people don’t often even know or care about what’s going on in your life like you imagine.  Even people who you spend time with, who you think would, still don’t.  But all it takes really is one or two people to be able to reach out to, who do.  Even if just for a little bit.

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