7 months in

…and I don’t know what’s changed in my body.  I know a lot has changed in my life and its limitations.

Getting out of bed is still hard, and when I say hard that means I lie there for a while gathering the strength to sit up and when I do it’s often more a slide to the side of the bed and pour myself over the edge.  The cold doesn’t help, so I put the heater straight on and crouch in front of it for a while I warm up.  Then the layering begins – second pair of track pants, at least three tops or jumpers, the socks, the Ugg boots, the scarf and the dressing gown with a hood.  And then I feel safe to get up.  Most mornings this is accompanied by a little person commented ‘Are you getting up now?’ every few seconds.

Yesterday I had a sharp pain in my right side for most of day.  Whenever I sat down or stood up, which at work is quite a lot, I felt a shooting pain from below my right rib all the way up and down my body.  I thought it was my stomach so I took some settling medicine but that didn’t work.  I ate only Salada’s and mineral water during the day and that didn’t help.  Eventually I took two ibuprofen and that softened it.  I don’t know what it was.  Looking up online (of course) Dr Google told me that side of your body is where your liver is and lower pain could be appendix.  Either way the pain is still there today but nowhere near as bad.

I’m annoyed with myself.  I feel like the last 7 months have come in two phases.  The first one was I’ll be better soon and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.  Every week was a next week I should be better.  That lasted for 3 months and I finally gave in and changed my job to work less.  The next 3 months was Now I’ll definitely feel better soon because I thought I had made enough changes to let my body recover.  Now I think I’ve fallen into Will I ever get better?  I’ve made the changes, resting more, eating better, been to a naturopath, know what I can do to help… but it’s still not working.  How long does it take to get better from glandular fever?  Ok, when I say it like that, I know that it can take months to a year.  That depresses me.

I find quite a bit of my time during the day and night is lost in daydreams.  Sometimes I remember the feeling of returning to work after 14 months off with my baby.  I felt so excited, energetic and vital!  I remember dropping her at daycare, the sun was shining, I felt everything was possible, we were both happy.  Then I remember months into returning to work and she was having trouble settling at night, we would spend hours at night comforting, people told me it was because she missed me during the day.  I don’t know if that was true, or just a developmental phase but either way, I still went to work the next day, feeling good, tired around the eyes but good.

Sometimes I day-dream about a different life.  This one is in New York, in the sunshine, being an author, loving the excitement of being based somewhere things happen.  Healthy, with the normal challenges of life.  This one seems very far away, so far to be only a dream.

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