This week I’ve been so much worse health-wise and I’m looking for a reason, because I don’t want to answer to be, this is how it goes. So here are some perfectly reasonable and realistic sounding reasons for why I feel worse this week:
* I went to Melbourne for a 24 hour party in which I only got about 4 hrs sleep and drank wine. (pfft)
* A reaction to the many liver/digestive tablets I am taking as requested by my naturopath
* A reaction to the huge influx of Vitamin D and B in powder and injection form as requested by my GP
* The extremely cold weather
* Pushing myself to work on Thursday when I felt nauseous and had an unexplained pain in my right side.
OK! I feel better now… any of those are likely to make someone with normal immunity feel a little challenged and under the weather for a few days, so it’s not unreasonable to think I’d still be suffering a week later. I know now for sure that I wouldn’t do that trip again, although I did enjoy the party and the psychological celebrating of our result, it hasn’t in ANY way been worth how I’ve felt this week.
So a list of the ongoing symptoms this week… tingling palms, headaches, extreme muscle aches, brain fogginess, cement veins (and this week they’re cold again), general malaise to the extent that even making chicken soup felt challenging. Or in other terms, I have very few spoons left. Read here if you haven’t already come across the spoon theory.
The hardest part of having on-going illness is the distracting human desire to ‘plan and be better’.
Your mind says this:
I feel sad/let’s plan a holiday/something look forward to/YAY!/I don’t feel sad
My mind says this:
I feel sad/let’s plan a holiday/I don’t know if I could do that now/Perhaps another time/When will I get better?/I feel sad
The lowering of ambitions and constant changing of goal posts is something that feels like failure to an ambitious person. I know it shouldn’t because looked at another way, it’s being careful and supportive of yourself – looking after you.
I saw an ad for a new Aussie movie which looks really good – Ruben Guthrie, it was a play for a while – and takes on the challenge of quitting drinking in an alcohol-driven culture. Anyway, the main character was talking to his Mum explaining the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and excuse the correctness of the quote, because I only saw it once but he says something like ‘It’s called one day at a time for a reason Mum’ and she responds ‘well that’s not very ambitious is it?’. Described in another context could be taken as encouraging, but it really made me laugh. I think it’s how I talk to myself.
I doubt this habit will ever go away, because it’s at the heart of my personality, but I can temper it and look for ways in which that drive might help deliver me back to good health. At very least, it might keep me from going under completely when circling the drain.