8 months yesterday – life is getting shorter.

Disappointment is the main feeling I have to contend with right now.  It’s hard to understand why my mind still hopes for each day to be better and feels the sad sting when it isn’t.  I didn’t write about my new naturopath visit because it coincided with suffering awful gastro, plus it’s a bit boring maybe?  I haven’t had the urge to write for the last few days.

The fatigue is worse in the mornings at the moment.  I’m on a new regime.  2 actual enzymes to aid digestion, instead of St Mary’s Thistle, I now take Digest-Zymes from Herbs of Gold.  Real life enzymes like lipase and protease that I remember from studying biology, to help me digest food.  God knows how they get them in powder form and into capsules but hopefully someone knows what they’re doing.  I’m also taking a new Magnesium, 2 per day – Herbs of Gold Magnesium Citrate 900 – because the other one I had was chelate and it’s apparently not as well absorbed into your body.  Considering absorption might be my main issue, that’s pretty important.  And finally a big black, yellow-wee making tablet called Tresos Activated B PluSe (those capitals are intentional) that I honestly can’t remember what it’s doing.  It looks like a multi – it has folic acid, Vit A, B1, B5 and B12 plus many more.

I haven’t taken the Vitamin D again yet, but I think I should.  I’m never taking Nux Vomica again, but will consider having my 6 amalgam fillings removed once I’m better – even though it still reeks of pseudo-science, I can see how 2 fillings, especially 2 top and bottom from each other in my mouth, would grind away at each other releasing tiny amounts of mercury into my body.  They’ve been there for more than 30 years and are surely wearing down each day.

For all my good intentions yesterday I should have called Healthscope to arrange an IgG 5 foods test.  They are going to test for allergies to wheat, dairy, white fish, soy protein and nuts (almond, cashew, hazelnut and peanut).  I’m surprised to learn this test is not covered by Medicare and therefore costs $100 to undergo.  I really would have thought with so many allergies – or at least allergies being as hot a topic as gay marriage these days – that the rebate would extend.  Perhaps I’m looking at it from optimistic eyes of a government who care about health, not about business.

Lastly I have one more day of swishing the Daktarin gel around my mouth in the hope that an opportunistic overgrowth of Candida is what was actually causing the bad taste.  It has improved since using the gel, but a caring pharmacist warned me not to be complacent and visit the GP if it isn’t gone by the end of the tube, because there must then be another cause.  I don’t want to go to the GP again, but of course I will if I’m afflicted enough.  It’s hard to think about the nodding, the sort-of concerned looks, the suggestion that perhaps I need to do less again, while not doing nothing.

I’ve never spent so much time having so many people hypothesize about my health and what could be happening.  I first realised it when I was pregnant that medical staff often have very little clue what’s going on inside your body.  They would guesstimate the size of the baby based on various ‘informed’ measurements however they were often out by 1 or 2kgs which when the baby only weighs averagely 3.5kgs and there’s NOT that much room in there, is quite astounding.

I’m not criticising medical staff but more the perception they put out there that they are MORE INFORMED and the sometimes-cold way they dismiss when they can’t achieve anything.  I wish I had a carer to help me through this, someone assigned to me to listen and follow my complaints.  Not like the midwife that ended up attended my daughters birth, shouting empty support from the other side of the room, but more like the midwifery student who sat right at my side, whether I was crouched on the ground or on the bed, experiencing everything with me.  And the anesthetist who persevered hard to get the epidural to take affect in an emergency situation because he knew I didn’t want to have to be put under general and who whispered support in my left ear as my body shook in reaction to the anesthetic as we went into surgery.

But I suppose those were all in a short period of time and this has now gone on 8 months.  It’s a long time to struggle through something.  Most of my friends have disappeared back into their own lives.  I do understand.  One has a new baby with a toddler already, some of them were part of the store I left and I think hold a grudge, the mother’s group was drifting apart anyway, I was the only one making an effort to keep us getting together.  In some ways, it’s a relief not to have to try and do things, and to not have to keep letting people down, but I suppose I do hope people are still there when I recover.  They’d be a bit mean if they weren’t.  Why is it the people who can’t do things, always seem to be the ones labelled with not making enough effort?

So, tasks for today:

Have a short nap in the day or at least rest with feet up while the little one goes to Family Day Care

Call Health Scope

Remedial massage

Try not to worry about finances/the future/anything.

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