It takes some time to settle into a new routine, to find how you will feel in amongst the day-to-day activities, and I somehow got here without planning to or understanding why. I thought I wanted less time working but now I don’t really know if that was true. Perhaps what I needed was time away from where I was, because now that I’m in a new place, I don’t feel like I belong here either.
I find my mind wandering when the tough thoughts come in and I spend more and more moments day dreaming about being a famous author, what it will be like to be surrounded by interesting people who can hold a decent conversation. I think about whether or not I will give interviews or be an elusive odd-ball. I wonder what charities I will become involved with. Sometimes, I try to imagine the small farm I will live on one day and where it would be. By the sea? It’ll have a large veranda and there’ll be chickens, goats and maybe a cow. Probably dogs and why not a cat too. It will be sunny most of the time around that little country house.
I’m day 3 without dairy in my diet and I notice the sugar has crept back in with the introduction of soy yoghurts and dairy-free muesli. I’m also feeling quite discouraged at the moment which is a strange side effect, but perhaps a realistic one given the previous 8 months of ups and downs. It’s possible that I’m having a dairy withdrawal. Some sources suggest this isn’t possible but bodies are many and varied so I think it’s just as likely as developing a dairy allergy is.
I have sunk to a point where I never really socalise anymore except at work and the occasional coffee with a friend and I certainly don’t go out at night ever. I start to feel very concerned about the next day if I’m not heading to bed before 9:30, counting the hours until 6:30am when I usually get woken by my daughter. I can vividly remember doing that a few years ago but it’d be closer to 2am and thinking ‘ok so that’s 5 hours till 7, I’ll skip the hair washing, I’ll need coffee and I’ll be at work just on 8:30’. This was admittedly before having a child.
Although I know I should be eating better, I’ve lost interest in food again. I’m having the basics – muesli or eggs for breakfast, usually a ham, tomato and now coconut milk cheese toastie for lunch and chicken or fish with salad for dinner. Lots of peppermint tea and the occasional soy flat white for a treat. All dairy free, gluten free and attempting sugar free. But it’s really bland and I can’t think of alternatives, or I should say I can’t be bothered thinking of alternatives.
I can live like this. There would be many worse things in life. But will I have to forever?