I don’t even know what the Types are, but perhaps Type A might be characterised by the obsessive googling I do in search of answers for questions, such as ‘what is a Type A personality?’ And surely, the dudes behind this theory never thought it’d get picked up so widely did they, otherwise I’m sure they would’ve thought up names catchier than A and B.
The question came to me this morning as I was thinking about why (WHY?) after all this time and effort in changing and adjusting my life to accommodate an illness, why am I not happier? Why do I not noticeably feel the absence of stress?
Watching my 3 yr old at the library singing nursery rhymes, so close to the presenters she could almost be giving the class herself, I wondered what children that age have to stress about, if anything? They are so occupied by the moment, I don’t imagine they worry about the future. I tried to imagine what life would be like if I could do that, just think about what was in front of me, and for a minute I felt free and I smiled. Ok, let’s not take it too far, bills need to be paid and plans made for the basic overturning of one’s life but lets ask the question, why do I need to feel good about what I do? Why do I need to have a purpose and what good is my drive if it just makes me feel dissatisfied?
I wrote recently about feeling lost and turning back to work because it was somewhere I felt comfortable and I’ve been considering for what feels like ages now (so long, part of me is sick to death of hearing about it) if I should leave the job. I’ve been in the one company for almost 10 years, through consultant, to assistant manager, to team leader to senior team leader and now back to consultant and assumed I would find it less stressful at this level, but it’s not. The company has targets such that most of your month is spent striving for them and the coaching involves asking how you are going to reach them and nothing is ever good enough. Which is not to say they don’t celebrate your success, they do, but the next level is always requested. There are no set targets for a year followed by promotion or reward once achieved – the targets are fluid and the rewards changeable so that you may miss out on monetary reward because your customers chose to pay in the ‘wrong’ month. It’s time consuming to keep up and energy-sapping and after 10 years I am fully indoctrinated and still all throughout this illness have strived to meet their targets. No one supported me to do otherwise.
So part of me says, why not just reject this? What’s the worst that could happen if you do? I find myself working outside of hours at the store, so I can find solutions for people, because I promised them. I want to do well, I want to have a salary, I want to be a part of something and I have this expertise now. But I don’t have to. I have enough savings that with some supplementing from the government and some clever spending I could probably live for at least a year and a half without needing to work to earn money. So why don’t I?
I can’t imagine why. It’s frightening to give it all away, but I could write all day long. I would lose those contacts but I could build a new career. Why don’t I? I honestly don’t know. It’s such a foreign concept that even writing it down like this, seems like I’m talking about someone else. This could be me. Why don’t I do it? What have I got to lose?
At the very least, I need to learn how to remove myself from the need to succeed, to complete tasks, to deliver what I promised. Because it really is stressing me out and like some other posts I’ve read here recently, I just can’t afford to waste my time anymore. Far too much has been wasted this year.