I had a dream early this morning. A terrible, terrible dream in which I realised that someone I knew had taken the life of my baby. This hasn’t happened to me in real life and I don’t want to write about the details because it’s too distressing. It was an awfully realistic nightmare to wake up to and after a while of being awake I started to consider the meaning for me and it got me to considering how I feel when it seems like someone else is controlling my life.
I have people in my life, one in particular, who is infuriatingly, indescribably self-centred and mean about it too. I just wrote an entire paragraph about the things he does but have deleted it because it was perfectly describing the point of this piece – obsession with someone else’s actions.
Sometimes, it feels like their actions cause your reactions in an eternal spiral downwards and there is no way to escape them. It’s suffocating and upsetting especially when there is no hope of them assisting you to get over it. That person often sees no harm in what they’re doing or (I suspect this is the case for me) actually is gratified by causing upset equal to their own. They may even not be in your life anymore, you’re the one holding onto the hurts, they may even be dead.
What then do you do?
Is it about removing them from your life or learning how to let it slide off you like water off a duck’s back? When someone has died and left a mark on your life, the only answer surely comes from within. When you have to interact with people through work, home, family, neighbours that are distasteful, it’s unrealistic surely to expect you can create a life filled with people you love and who love you. Or is it?
I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.