Often when I sit down to write, words just come out and I don’t censor them nor hardly do more than one re-read before I post. But like last night, looking back at the writing I realise it had nothing to do with what’s actually on my mind at the moment.
What’s on my mind? Time.
Why on earth did Mick Jagger sing that time was on his side? It’s on no-ones side, it simply is. I’ve been spending a lot of time (sorry) thinking about things related to time this last week. How long till I feel 100%? When will I be able to take on that new job? How did I get to this time of my life like this? And for god’s sake how long will this day go on?
At the same time (sorry again) I’ve been trying to keep myself grounded in the moment. I watch my daughter, which is almost impossible not to, with all the ‘look at me mummy’s’ and she asks questions like what day is it? and how do you know what day it is? She’s still unaware of time marching on or perhaps she’s unaware of what the rest of us adults are, that by the time (again!) you notice time, the time has passed. (I’m not doing this on purpose!).
I’m trying to be ok with where I’m at, because I can recognise that the other choice brings unhappy feelings like regret, despair and futility. I keep saying to myself I can live like this. But it isn’t much fun some days. And then other days I feel like my eyes are really wide open, that I’m seeing everything with clarity and detail and I enjoy those times.
Some part of me keeps thinking sentences that start with when I get through this I’ll and you could add to it:
- take that well paying flexible job
- start writing a book
- be able to run more with my daughter
- pitch that idea for a doco
- eat more chocolate without feeling bad
- be happy
But I have to keep reminding myself to stay where I am, and not live in the future, because all I have is this moment. I feel strangely like the last 5 years since my Dad died in February 2011, I have been swept along with the events, keeping my mind occupied by stress and dealing with each moment and its fallout, arguing with people in my head, catastrophising and I’ve been busy making things worse. Dealing with the issues that creates has been like a crazy roundabout and I think I’m half way off that roundabout now. Still spinning around with it but holding on with only with one hand now, the other arm outstretched and sailing along in the breeze, waiting to let go.