Just over 2 weeks ago, I wrote, quite angrily, about my second visit to the new doctor. He’d messed up my appointment time and prescribed melatonin which made me feel worse…
Ahead of returning to see him on Tuesday and having taken Tertroxin for 2 weeks, I am pleased, nervous and intrigued to report that it’s working. Probably. Something is happening and although I watched a comprehensive doco on the placebo effect a few nights ago, I don’t believe this is just that.
Firstly, the aches in my hands have receeded, the ache that I’ve had for over 2 years in my right hip has almost gone, and I just feel like I have more stamina to get through that day. It’s not like I’m not still exhausted at the end of the day and my sleeping has been quite sporadic these last 2 weeks but there are definite changes in my physical condition.
Having put up with this for a year and a quarter now, there is no way I’ll be celebrating until I see 3 good months. And let’s be clear there is still something funny going on if a piece of chocolate cake can bring me to my knees. That experience showed me how far I’ve come though because within a day I was back on track and given my previous experience I expected to be out of whack for a few days.
Remembering back to mid winter when I felt every movement was difficult and even getting off the couch was hard, the change is massive.
So I don’t really understand what’s going on. It makes you question why is my body responding to thyroid medication when my levels were in the ‘normal range’? I mean this is the tiniest tablet you’ve ever seen and I take one a day, seriously you could fit 10 of them on the button of an iPhone.
This is it. This is an answer. This is something. Most of this blog has been about asking what’s wrong with me and I’ve found an answer to a question that wasn’t posed. I won’t say no but I don’t understand why this has made such a difference.
Of course, my insomnia has been dreadful though. I have a lot to keep me awake at the moment, a lot of things to think about. My last day at my job is Monday and I’m so disappointed in the way I’ve been treated, it really hurts to be so disregarded by a company I have given so much energy and precious time to. But at the same time I still care for the clients, so while I’m being ignored I’m still working hard to do a good job for them. So that’s taken a lot more of my energy. Luckily the clients appreciate it and I’ve been speaking to a few people who have been very kind and supportive. It’s a strangely tiring thing to be working so hard ‘for’ a company who gives not one toss about me. But it’ll be done soon.
I’m glad (I think) that I’m off to see a clinical psychologist next month. The doctor claims that cognitive behavioural therapy could really help me get out of this mind rut that plagues me. I don’t want to spend hours talking about my life but I do think that if I don’t deal with some of the feelings around being life-limited for so long that it could perhaps develop into a chip on my shoulder, a why me. And that’s not helpful for anyone.
In my ‘spare’ moments, that often happen at 4am, I’ve been considering a lot of my choices over the last 5 years. I remember feeling bored towards the end of January 2013 after I’d been on mat leave for a year but what dawned on me the other night is that I probably went back to work to escape the situation with my daughters Dad. Because I’d been off work for so long and having to be quite flexible with an infant, he took advantage of that and showed up whenever, wherever he felt like because I didn’t matter. Going back to work meant he had to start fitting in around me and actually agreeing to arrangements. Don’t get me wrong, that didn’t happen overnight. I went back to work full time when my daughter was 14 months. It wasn’t until she was 2 that he had her overnight for one night a week and it wasn’t until she was almost 3, just before I got sick, that he agreed to have her 2 nights and every second Saturday (so I could work). It sounds like I was wanting to get rid of my daughter but no, it was about sharing the load, something which hadn’t happened at all till then, even now the load isn’t equal but I dont begrudge that because I love her. I do begrudge his whinging about it however. So what I recognise here is 2 fairly big roles (work and relationships) in my life over the last 2 years where I have given a lot more than I’ve gotten. Been looked in the eye and told what I’m giving is not enough and that makes me damn angry. It’s no wonder I can’t sleep.
Once all is said and done, will the good part of this illness be that – I got out? I came out the other side with life unavoidably changed because my body have me clear instructions of what I could no longer put up with?