Status: invalidated

I have been on the new medication for a week now.  On Thursday I rang the doctor to check and he suggested I could up the dose to two tablets in the morning, because I haven’t been doing very well.  Before I get into it we’re talking about replacing Tertroxin (20 micrograms of liothronine sodium or T3) with 2 capsules of 45miligrams each of desiccated thyroid extract, with an unspecified mixture of T3 and T4 suggested online to be approximately 80% T4 and 20% T3.  So it’s a big shift in the type of hormone I’ve been taking.

How has it affected me?

Early in the last week I declined quite rapidly, feeling exhausted and back to the awful feeling of total body tiredness that is tough to explain.  The type that makes you think twice before getting up off the couch and also the type that stays with you when you lie down.  By Tuesday I had stomach upsets, sore throats in the morning and a heavy feeling of sadness descended from nowhere and as far as I could tell for no reason.  It came to me like a large weight added from above to my every day.  Most mornings were difficult to get going, although I had no choice, but what I’d feel all morning was that everything was difficult and my body felt achey and sore and my head foggy.  It’d lift a little by the time 11am came around and that was a huge relief.

What seems to come naturally with extreme fatigue is negative thoughts.  I don’t know why this should be so however I noticed my thoughts to be more pronounced in those days… ‘why hasn’t this person rung me?  They probably don’t really want to be friends… I must be a dead weight as a friend.  I wonder if my finances will hold out?  Do I have to go through another year of this?  Will my daughter be ok while I am away next week?  I really don’t want to go and leave her…

And on and on.  Terrible timing to be tinkering with medication before I have to leave for a 4 day stay in Sydney for training and induction into my new job.  Anxiety is at sky-high levels and when my daughter asked yesterday morning, couldn’t I just have my training in Adelaide, I seriously considered cancelling and rescheduling it to a more stable time in my life.

But I will go, mainly to get it done and out of the way.  I also can start running my business once I have this training so it really needs to happen.  I just have to suck it up and get through it.

So the positive… is there any?  I haven’t had a headache all week.  The Tertroxin co-oincded with more headaches than I’d had in the previous year.  I was getting mind-numbing headaches every second day and it couldn’t have been a co-incidence.  I am sleeping well.  And by that I mean, long sleeps that are a little beneficial.  I don’t wake up feeling a million dollars but I wake up feeling like I’ve achieved some rest.  Yesterday I had a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and still went to bed normal time and still slept for 10 hours.

Another unhappy feeling that comes with fatigue for me is a desire to crawl into a dark, warm hole and stay there.  It often seems like every interaction with people goes wrong when you’re feeling tired and it takes more energy.  The usual barbs that people seem to throw at each other in this competitive world hurt more.  Why can’t people just say ‘that must be hard’?  Is that so hard?

But again I don’t, in these phases I’ve experienced in the last year or more, my daughter and I have bunkered down and watched movies and let schedules go out the window and eaten chips for dinner.  It’s a nice way to give yourself a break.  Act like you’re on holidays for a day or more if you can.

I don’t want to go to Sydney tomorrow, but I will.  It’ll be the last thing I make myself do this year.  Making yourself do things more often than not leads to more unhappiness.  In this case, I can see the benefits so I am going to put myself through it and hope for the best.

I’ll continue to take the 2 tablets of thyroid extract and hope for the best there.  At least I know as a backup I have the other one that worked a little better.  It’s only been a week and I remember that initially the Tertroxin took 3 weeks to fully reveal its affect on me.

When will this all end I wonder?  I am now so far into the experience of suffering less energy that I can’t remember the feeling of having it.  It’s been year since I stepped down as a manager and yet that feeling is as fresh as it happening yesterday and that person is still under the surface.  In many ways I feel like a dislocated person, some parts have adapted and moved on and some parts have stayed the way they were.  This can’t be a good thing for my overall health and happiness.



2 thoughts on “Status: invalidated

  1. escharae says:

    You describe it perfectly, the fatigue. I’ve been feeling like that as well, sleeping ten hours on weekends and then taking 2 hour naps in the afternoons…
    Good luck with your trip to Sydney. Stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. CJ says:

    Thank you 🙂
    I was reading a book of very short essays on the topics of mothers or being a mother and one I read described the experience of a separated family so well that I realised I felt exactly the same and also that I wanted my writing to help other people understand fatigue – not people who haven’t experienced it (although there’s a benefit there) but people who have and can say ‘I recognise that and I’m not alone’. So it worked! Hope you are feeling ok after your accident? x


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