There is no spoon

I’m fairly sure I’ve written on this topic before.

Life.  Seems to be full of ridiculous contradictions.  Well mine is anyway.  I need to sleep but I can’t.  I recognise competition is not good for me, but I can’t stop competing.  I love to write, but I don’t want to complete my writing course.  I have never questioned my life so much as since I have been unwell, because there’s another player in my game now.  An uninvited influence that competes with my will, and wins.

Time, is not on my side.  Lately I’ve been remembering back to winter last year, when I was really worse for wear.  But remembering it fondly.  It’s taken me a few weeks to work out why.  These thoughts kept coming back to me of long days, spent on the couch, shelving all plans, only driving as far as the family day care place.  I was limited and I knew it and I bowed to it.  And because of that, I had very few struggles.  This was what I needed and helped take the pressure off.

These days, it’s a rare day I don’t leave the house, in fact I haven’t had a day for months now where I didn’t have something planned – a work commitment or a child commitment. Nowhere near my pre-illness days but still a pretty functional life.  Work, coffee, play, shop, cook, read, TV.  Some things went from my pre-life but most things have come back. But my mind is screaming at me.  Stop it!

You might question why.  If I have found a medication that gives me strength, why not use it?  Shouldn’t I be rejoicing?  Shouldn’t I be celebrating and dancing?  Because old patterns die hard, that’s why.  The new pattern I found when I was really chronically fatigued was rejected.  It was no fun to consider a life like that forever but it was required at the time.  And when I found something that seemingly magically returned me to half strength within a matter of weeks, I was encouraged.  But returning to my old way of handling life is going to lead me to the same place it did before.

I feel the agitation of leading a slow life nipping at me.  But somehow I need to embrace it again before I have a un-avoidable reason to.  Like the addict who feels sober life is dull compared to the old partying ways, I have to find the time to create a new normal.

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