Why do these thoughts come to me so late? Often, I’m getting ready to go to bed, I’ve shut down the computer and suddenly a blog post thought arrives.
Tonight my mind was boggling. I was marvelling at the long path, the really long road I’ve taken to get here. Not that here is the destination, I’m just here. It’s coming up for 18 months since I first felt different.
If I dwell too long on that timeframe I start to feel really angry, so I try not to, because there’s nothing that can be done to change the past is there? I don’t know why my body wasn’t able to recover from the virus or why the virus was the last straw that knocked me for 6 and I never got fully back up again.
Every day now I think about my health. I take notes on my diet and look for correlations between my symptoms and food, sleep, stress and general femaleness. I’m constantly aware of what’s happening to me. The aches and pains have been bad lately too, ever since I’ve been doing stretches in the morning to attempt to combat them.
Is it when you focus on something you make it more real? How can I stretch without noticing how tense and sore my muscles are? Or without questioning the reason why?
I’ve heard this state of being called hyper-vigilance, the description of which is “an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviours whose purpose is to detect threats. In some cases it can be extreme enough for the person to become almost entirely preoccupied with scanning their environment for threats.”
I know how ridiculous it will seem for me to say, that just doesn’t sound extreme at all. When you have experienced lack and ‘poor outcomes’ from certain behaviours, foods or activities, then it seems only reasonable that you will set the mighty power of your brain to detecting ways to be certain they don’t happen again.
I think a lot about going back to my doctor, who is unknown to me, due to the first 2 leaving, to ask their opinion on the latest symptoms. I think a lot about re-reading my blog from last year to see how far I’ve come, if indeed I have. But I don’t do any of that right now. I try to not entertain the thoughts and just carry on living because I know visiting the doctor shakes things up. It’s like inviting someone to come look at your systems and take an educated guess. By going to them you are asking for something to be done. And then there are more consequences to deal with (is that a form of hyper-vigilance, having experienced negative outcomes from visiting the doctor before makes me reluctant to do so again?).
The point of this post is that I am thinking and using my thinking to stop thinking. Carefully suggesting to my mind that its time would be better spent thinking about other things and not focussing on all the things wrong with me. And perhaps I’ll avoid the stretching for a while too. I never liked exercise much any way.
I’m not sure how often you stretch but muscles need time to rest and recover, so doing it every day is not recommended (unless we’re athletes or professional dancers).
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s interesting. I’ve hardly been doing much, just some kinda yoga-y poses for about 10 minutes. Mainly to stretch the calves and my lower back because I was getting a lot of pain across the sciatic nerve and lower back. I took some old advice and rolled the area on a tennis ball, which was painful but in a good way… perhaps I went too far there?
LikeLike
I have CFS and ADHD – they aren’t a good mix! The ADHD causes me to hyper focus on things and I can also be hyper vigilant (I’m really jumpy!). I’ve only read this one blog post from you, so I’m not suggesting you have ADHD at all. But my diagnosis helped me understand a lot more about my CFS and ccertain ways I behave.
Don’t rule out another condition or something else that could be exasperating your CFS.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your comment and for reading. I don’t think I have ADHD, I don’t have any of the other symptoms. But that’s why I’m here to meet other people experiencing similar things and exchange knowledge 🙂 How long have you suffered from CFS for?
LikeLike
10 years! I didn’t know it was that until not so long ago – in fact I’d be todl the opposite. I’ve written about it http://www.gearedsuccess.com/coming-to-terms-with-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/
There seems to be so little know about the illness that it’s very frustrating to deal with.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had a read, it’s all very familiar to me and I’m sorry you’re going through it too. I don’t identify myself as having CFS, because of the stigma but I’m beginning to wonder if all the forms of CFS are not just other misdiagnosed issues, showing up at the edge of medicinal knowledge? For instance I’m taking a thyroid medication that has improved my fatigue but my thyroid levels were ‘normal’. The doctors don’t seem interested as to why that is.
LikeLike
That’s very interesting. Did you self prescribe the thyroid meds or was it from a doctor?
I’m of a similar opinion. CFS seems to be the go to place for unexplained fatigue.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They wet prescribed by a doctor. I don’t think you can get thyroid medication without a prescription and certainly not the dedicated thyroid extract I take as it not TGA approved
LikeLike
I think it’s in this post….https://strangelabel.wordpress.com/2016/04/01/it-is-worth-pushing-on/
LikeLiked by 1 person