Finding a draft from a year ago

I just came across this post in my drafts from a year ago.  I don’t think it was published (it has spelling and grammatical errors) at the time but I’m not sure.  What really bothers me is the reference to Louise Hay’s book that I apparently read a year ago.  The reason it bothers me is I just recently read about it and thought to myself ‘I must read that book one day’…

It ends purposefully where the draft stopped mid-sentence, why I can’t remember.

 

The last few days have been a little hellish.

The disappointment of feeling worse again, the return of the slight bad taste, poor sleep; feeling like I can’t get enough and difficulty getting out of bed.

I’ve been trying so hard to make things better and not having dairy was such a relief but now all of a sudden it seems like a curse.  I went shopping tonight and felt sad looking at the cheese.  What a strange thought to feel sad when looking at cheese.

I had some bio cheese in my toasty for lunch today – god it tasted awful, worse than I remember it when I first tried it.  I felt so sick afterwards too, I think I’ll avoid it all.  Was it this that caused the bad taste?  Was it the old magnesium tablets I’ve been taking because the other one’s ran out and I don’t want to waste money.  Is it the sugar creeping back into my diet with the desire to give myself a treat – dark chocolate, cranberries and cashews.

My head feels full and sticky, it hurts too.  Today was such an odd day, it started to pass quite reasonably but as the day went on I felt more and more burdened and trapped and bad.  I’ve been trying so hard, doing so much work on affirmations and being positive – I think I might need to give myself a break!

A few books have come into my life with similar messages recently.  It started with The Secret, recommended by a friend in a similar situation (although not brought about by illness).  I enjoyed it as a start, the concept is beautifully simple and if you buy into it, gloriously exciting.  Put simply, the Secret is that your mind controls everything and whatever you think, happens.  So if you’re spending your time berating yourself about being terrible with money/love/happiness… that’s what you’ll be.  Terrible.  If however, you shift your thoughts to ask for what you want, it will come to you somehow, just Ask for it, Believe it will happen and be ready to receive.  It’s worth reading rather than reading my simple few sentences.  I was skeptical because a lot of fun was made of this book when it came out and a was cynical with the best.  My thought these days is ‘what have I got to lose?’ – fill my day with positive thoughts and dreams about what I’d love to happen, were there no boundaries… sounds great to me!

The second book I came across was ‘You can Heal your life’ by Louise Hay and I think this might be the one that’s been causing the problems.  It’s based on the same idea, although Hay’s book was written many years before the Secret (that being said, the Secret references age old writings suggesting it is not a new idea by any means), but I think the difference that is key is that Hay’s book asks you to look back over your life and question/challenge/accept your upbringing.  And that’s been hard work.  I’ve been churning through the stuff there and almost trying to tick it off, yep done, sorted, fixed, ok with that… and I think my mind has completely had enough.

Today I felt so irritable, and just bad but I’m going to try not to beat myself up over it.  There were lots of things I did well.  I looked after my daughter, we made 2 lots of craft, we watched some movies, I baked a batch of easy biscuits, I fixed an airline ticket that had been booked wrong, I changed a flight for a relative of not too much cost, I got some groceries – bought a new coffee to try!  I did really well now I’m looking over it.  There was some things I’d do differently in there, but

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