I just want to sleep. I feel like I want it most of the time.
I don’t want to do my work. I’d love to stay in bed and read a book and somehow ‘catch up’ with that sleep that it feels like I need so badly.
A few months ago I felt so bad all the time and I knew almost nothing I did would make it better. Now I’m in a different space but it’s not entirely better. I don’t feel exhausted all the time but I don’t feel great all the time. I feel constantly a bit tired like if I just went to bed for a while that I might make up the lost sleep. But I doubt it. Because it doesn’t change.
Waking in the morning feeling still tired is dispiriting and I find myself musing about retirement and when my daughter will be an adult. It brings an enticing feeling that I will finally be able to indulge my need for sleep. I’m reminded of that Meg Ryan movie in which as a young bride she swaps bodies with an old man because when she looked at him she saw someone who had done it all and didn’t have to worry anymore about the future while he saw someone young with possibilities and he wanted his chance to live over again.
I don’t want to wish my time away. I just need to find some space to clear my head. Every week brings a new challenge, continued responsibility and placing others first, the days grind by, full of getting people to places, making lunches, making dinner, replying to emails, making sure I keep my business alive to support my family and all with a sense of tiredness. How much is biological and how much could be psychological, and how much is tinged by just not getting enough sleep. It’s a deadly negative loop.