Work with it

I paused last night to question myself, how it can be that I still feel like life is rushing by when I’ve made so many changes to it specifically designed to allay this feeling.  How can the days seem so busy when I no longer work full-time?  And they seemed so long when I did.  For a long time I’ve felt it must be because I couldn’t do as much as I used to and need more sleep.  But it hasn’t felt like the right answer.  People keep reminding me that I am a single mum of a four-year-old.  Why doesn’t that seem to me enough to keep me busy?  Especially since she is now in Kindy 2 days a week.
At the end of today I feel more tired than I have in ages.  I woke up very early again, got both of us up, dressed and ready and drove the four-year-old to Kindy. I went to the shops to buy a new fitted sheet because my other set wore through last night. I went to the chemist. I did some work at home for just an hour or so. I drove half an hour to the doctors where I was for an hour and then drove the half hour back again to Kindy where I was for 3 hours at a sponsorship event followed by 1&1/2 hours at the park. I did some washing, I made dinner, I went to the chemist again and I changed the sheets on the bed, washed the dishes and I wrote this piece.
Reading that back it doesn’t seem like a lot to me but what’s dawned on me is it actually is and I think maybe the problem is I am not valuing what I’m spending my time on.  My thoughts at reading this was ‘only one hours work?’ and I am stuck on that idea that work is the most valuable task you do in a day.  For years it was the activity I spent most time on and most energy on, since I got my first job as a christmas casual at Harris Scarfe back when I was 19.  When I went back to work when my daughter was 14 months old, I felt I had to do something important with that time and threw my energy into forcing it to be successful.
Even though I now work for myself, I’ve noticed that often when I am working, I feel trapped, irritated and frustrated, like I can’t get to the end of the work fast enough. I need to work to earn some money, but I was so offended by the way I was treated when I got sick I’ve ended up in a situation where I don’t want to be working when I’m working and I feel like I should be working when I’m not.  It’s complicated but I think I’ve realised that work – in the traditional sense of a job you do that pays you money – is just not that important to me any more.  It doesn’t mean I dislike it completely of course, being a travel agent is kinda fun and entertaining and I love my clients who are very easy to work with.  When time is short I just don’t want to do things that I don’t love anymore.
Because I need to have an income, I just need to be aware of this feeling I’ve uncovered, and just ‘work’ with it, literally.  Use the phrase I can do this and just get through it and make the shift from work as being the most important thing I’ll do in a day to it being my daughters smile as she balances on stilts for the first time at Kindy.
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6 thoughts on “Work with it

  1. escharae says:

    I felt tired just be reading about your day, how you ran around from one place to the next. 🙂 Work in the traditional sense has also lost its meaning to me. It just pays the bills and I’m always wishing the work day to be over. When you get ill, you realize there’s a lot more interesting things to do with your time.

    Like

    • CJ says:

      Hey! Nice to hear from you (I somehow missed this comment till now). I’ve tried to calm myself down and rest more. I’m my own worst enemy! How’re you?

      Like

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