Ambition

The introduction of Levothyroxine to my system, known as Eutroxsig here in Australia has made the biggest change to my health.  I no longer feel as tired when I wake, my energy levels throughout the day are better.  My mind feels sharper and the pain in both my hip and shoulder has lessened on most days.

This is all good news.

But with improving health has returned in the last month a renewed, eager and almost vicious desire to ‘achieve’.  In this last month, I’ve been considering moving house to a bigger and more expensive place and I’ve also considered becoming a foster mum.  Both of these I’ve been really close to finalising, attending open inspections, talking to the foster agencies and feeling quite positive about it.  Until the doubts crept back in.

I’ve only just starting feeling a bit better after near on 2 years of fatigue and pain!  I had to change and re-learn my job this year and went through a huge amount of extra stress just trying to deal with those moronic a-holes I had worked with (I’m not bitter!).  My daughter started kindy this year and starts school next year so that’s certainly brought a lot of activity with it too.   So not only was I scared that this new health might all fall through – which is a perfectly normal fear – I started to think perhaps I just needed to let myself off the hook a little.

I have a constant sense of the clock ticking.  Having witnessed quite a few tragedies in my life, I think I’ve internalised how short life can be and created the urgency in myself to ACHIEVE!

A few months ago I watched a short documentary that aired on the ABC here called ‘You can’t ask that’ where people are anonymously asked questions that normally they wouldn’t.  This one posed questions to terminally ill people about what they didn’t worry about anymore.  The woman who replied that she didn’t worry about ambition anymore really stuck with me because she asked if you have to give the ambition away then what’s the point of living?

And that’s where my thoughts are now… Having felt better than I have in ages, the ambition has returned and it wants me to make up for 2 lost years.  But for now I’m going to give up on the ambition too.  Not entirely but I’m going to try to let myself be content and look for the ‘point’ in my life as it is already without forcing through more change and adjustment because isn’t that possible what brought me here in the first place…?

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4 thoughts on “Ambition

  1. escharae says:

    I’m so happy that you’re feeling better.
    I too tend to fall on that trap. I’m eager and anxious. Life has so many things and I haven’t done or seen nearly half of all I want. But I’ve also been learning to take it slow. Actually stop a little and enjoy where I’m at before taking the step further. Making solid memories of how it feels to be a bit better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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