Is it ok?

I haven’t posted in 3 months and that’s a shame because now I can’t easily look back and recognise what’s been going on.  The doctor upped one of my medications back at the end of January and suggested an appointment for June, giving me the impression it was all going to get better.  I now take 50micrograms of Eutroxsig (T4) and 10 micrograms of Tertroxin (T3) per day as well as one drop of Iodine 5%, a multi B, zinc, calcium, D, NAC and Magnesium.  I’m used to it – finally.  It took a while to work out a routine and schedule of tablets but I’m mostly there.  Medications on waking and I try to wait an hour before eating, B&D with breakfast, Calcium and NAC with lunch, Zinc and NAC with dinner and magnesium before bed.  Iodine somewhere in there, usually mid-morning.

Life has certainly been busier and one of the indicators I am doing better is no longer needing to schedule a nap in the day.  March was a busy and successful month with work and I was physically able to do more.  I slept reasonably well, I dreamt a lot. I finished quite a few books in that time.  I went to the chiropractor for help with my aching neck.  I went to the optometrist and had glasses prescribed.  I take my daughter to and from school remembering everything she needs.

But my mind keeps telling me that I’m not achieving anything.  I look at my bank accounts and I’m not making as much money as I used to.  Even though I am happy with the hours I work so I can spend more time with my daughter, my mind tells me I’m not ‘doing anything’.  I go out to dinner occasionally with friends.  I work, I see my family, I DO do stuff!  But I keep wondering what is the point?  If I am not achieving anything am I not living?

I don’t think it’s unhealthy to question your life but I do know it makes for a fairly unpleasant existence day-to-day.  If you want to take joy from sitting down for half an hour and reading, but your mind asks you what’s the point of that activity, it does take the pleasure out of it.

For a few weeks now I know I have been feeling tireder than I have in a while.  It’s a different tired than fatigued, but I am still aware of it and think I should heed the feeling.  At all stages of this recovery I have expected myself to be further along than I actually have been, and perhaps this is just a similar milestone… looking around, one year after getting some treatment and wondering what happened to the other life I had?

2 thoughts on “Is it ok?

  1. Sarah Murray says:

    Oh CJ, my life of volunteering revolves around that sentiment. I know I’ve been at “work” for 9 hours and I’ve participated in jobs that and I definitely had a lunch break but I get to the end of the day and think what the hell did I do today because I achieved nothing that I wanted to or the people around me did most of the work while I delegated to move onto the next task which turned the first into a disaster because I didn’t do it myself.

    Your doing good kid and every little step to making it through the day without that nap and creating a balanced life is a good thing. Your daughter loves you and so do your friends so start living without thinking constantly about when the next shit day will happen because as you have discovered it can and does happen however if you have a relapse that’s ok too.


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