It’s not been an easy week, for some reason. I’ve needed long naps a couple of times ( yes I know, after mentioning I didn’t need them anymore). Sometimes it’s hard to work out where to place the blame. The 5 year old still comes in most nights and interrupts my sleep, sometimes she sleeps well and we both do, sometimes not. We were up Wednesday night with issues. I didn’t get to sleep till about 12:30am. I guess that’s an obvious place to rest the blame. I gave up coffee also. After 2 weeks of trying to slowly cut down, strained by foggy head aches, I decided enough was enough and went cold turkey. It was the best way. The headaches have stopped. So there’s a few extra strains to add. It still doesn’t gel to me, that a few little extra stresses can make me feel so awful. Why am I so weak? I never used to be that way.
So I’m not feeling great. I’m still trying to get life ‘back on track’. Still wondering what the point of my existence is. I seem to be treading water, well enough to do some things, get involved and filling my life with requirements and dull stuff like work. The insidious nature of having been not quite right for over 2 years has made me fearful for the future and what other inflictions it could bring. I hope this quiet feeling will pass eventually. It’s there posing questions in everything I do.
Yesterday I stumbled across an acquaintances’ blog on Instagram. We are friends on Facebook, but looking back over her posts I see she has chosen not to announce on FB that she has cancer. She’s gone from diagnosis to hair falling out in 7 weeks and she’s 38. I read her blog – the story so familiar – and remembered my own experience of mammogram, ultrasound and needle biopsy all in the same day. I was referred because of a family history and eventually was encouraged to have an MRI, which was clear and was a bloody awful experience. This was just as I first came down with the virus and I think perhaps the MRI was harder due to what I now recognise in lots of other people’s stories with hypothyroidism – noise and light sensitivity. I never went back, despite letters to remind me. The Dr wanted me to have a yearly MRI and it’s been almost 3 years now. 3 years also since my last smear (I got that letter the other day also). And I’ve been remiss in keeping up those important checks against more health issues, because I just couldn’t bear to go to the doctor one more time. It seems ridiculous but again I recognise from researching others stories that hypothyroidism comes with a malaise, if things aren’t actually hard, they seem very hard to do.
I took strength from this girls posts about her experience in detail and promised myself that I would make the appointments for both tests this week. I sent her a message to tell her about all the women I know who have beaten breast cancer and hoped it helped her.