Thyroid is the word…

Yesterday was spent just hanging with my 5 yr old.  I am often so flat these days that it just feels like the best thing to do is to stay home and find stuff to do here.  She seems to enjoy it, but I worry about when she’s older, will I have kicked this problem by then?  Will I be able to keep up with her?  Am I getting old way before my time and is this the best I can expect forever?

I am hard on myself, but I don’t seem to know any other way.  It’s not helping me feel contentment but I somehow feel like it’s keeping me going.  Expecting better seems to keep me striving towards finding the solution.  I am making an effort to understand and order my past 2 years results, I am reading books about Thyroid conditions and requesting more from the library.  I am thinking most days about my up and coming appointment with my integrative doctor and what I can glean from that.  Do I need to make the appointment a double one so that I can fully discuss all my concerns or try at least to have all my questions answered; because there are a few.

Questions like: could this be the result of the Parvovirus still in my tissues?  Could this be reactivated EBV?  Is that real?  How long would he expect before the Iodine begins working to stop the hypothyroid symptoms or is it not that simple?  Why do my palms go numb when I am tired?  Why do many of my muscles ache?  Why did my hair fall out?

Questions not for the doctor: can we get a dog?  Will I be able to form strong relationships again to last me into my old age?  Will I reach old age?  Hypothyroid patients have elevated likelihood of congestive heart failure and other heart problems.  Why have I not done anything with my life?  Why do I feel like I have not done anything with my life?

I look around at all the people who are making a difference, reaching people in different ways with media than before, making successes and I feel left behind.  I feel sad when I think that I haven’t done anything with my life.  I am 43, I am a mother, I am hypothyroid.

I’ve been waking with music in my head lately, I don’t know if it’s a real song or something my mind is singing to me, but it seems like a good sign.  As do the dreams coming back.  It feels like my mind can only dream when it’s not so exhausted, and this week I have given in where possible to the need for a midday nap.  Usually only an hour or so, but it’s helping my feel brighter in the afternoon when I am collecting Evie and that’s really important to me.  At the same time I think ‘Jeez, I need to have a nap in the day’.

We did get out yesterday afternoon finally, she cycled and I walked to the bakery, chose a donut, a (decaf) coffee and a gingerbread man (person?) after much discussion and was planning on a trip to the park when it suddenly poured down with a heavy rain shower.  It was gone fast but we decided to go to the park nearer to home in case it happened again and there we met a lovely man and his son to talk to and play with for an hour and a half.  By the time we left it was getting dark, the wind had picked up and both of us had that cold breathless feeling you get from a lot of time outside, it was really wonderful.

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