November is going to be about changing stuff. Changing habits, changing diets, changing thought patterns… because none of them are really working for me. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result right?
Time after time, I have attempted to change my habits and even though I know I’m made of tough enough tuff to stick out the challenge, I’ve fallen back on the habit, because I haven’t addressed the underlying reason for the habit.
I buy coffees because they make me feel good – for a bit. I eat chocolate and donuts and drink wine because they all make me feel good for a bit. And honestly, I believe, that ‘bit’ is completely ok. Where it gets out of control is when you begin to treat yourself every day, or more than once a day… because of some other reason. Some thought or some interaction during the day has made me feel down or angry and the reaction is to treat myself. It’s a completely natural enough reaction, and supersedes the good intentions of the change in habit… bringing you back to square one, where you suddenly realise you are your own worst enemy and tear yourself and your intentions down. Thus begins the cycle of defeat. This was never going to work.
But it will. The only way out, is up. To keep trying, set yourself goals and attempt them. I’m feeling glad that since this journey began – coming up on three years ago – I have conquered the fatigue with the assistance of medical experts – even though now I’m left with the feelings – anger, disappointment, fear and an uncomfortable question ‘Why?’. I’ve always found a certain amount of energy in the negative emotions, inspiring me on to action.
I won’t drag myself over the coals if they don’t work. I’m going to blog daily about the effort and hopefully expose my real feelings as I write. Wish me luck!