Day Six was a bit easier. I’m still unsure about the healthiness of the shakes, and I must admit I haven’t carefully completed my research on the ingredients, because I know I will find someone somewhere who is offended by the contents even though they are about the same as a vitamin tablet. Have you noticed you can find every single opinion available online and most of them without any actual data to back them up?
Common sense tells me that long-term use of meal replacement is not a healthy choice but one benefit I’m finding is less stress around meals. I don’t have to think about what I’m having for lunch, I don’t have to worry about the time I’ve got left to finish my work, I can just prepare a shake and get back to it. It’s also filling me up more than I would find a salad or soup meal would have, which means I’m less bothered by hunger particularly mid afternoon.
But don’t think because I’ve got it all sorted out! I still managed to fall off the wagon today by having a small decaf soy coffee and a small piece of Nutella swirl! Total cheat day but just 6 days earlier than I planned. It all came down to an appointment with a client, being ill-prepared for the feeling of being in a cafe and having it offered for free by the client. This must be a smidgen of what alcoholics have to deal with. I couldn’t say no and in the moment I didn’t want to. Justification comes swiftly and the little devil on your shoulder whispers ‘you deserve it, a little won’t hurt’.
I’m discovering again that the more you think about food and the lack, the more you can become obsessed with it. I remember a stage I went through which I wrote about on this blog, where everything I ate or drank tasted like metal. It was most likely a Candida infection. I say most likely because everyone who looked in my throat said ‘oh that’s not so bad’ when examining the coating on my tongue. I think they were expecting more. But the coating is no longer there and neither is the bad taste. While I had this awful taste in my mouth I felt really despondent about food. I knew I had to eat it but I really didn’t want to. I lost interest in shopping or planning meals, there didn’t seem a point and I felt very tired when thinking about them. Eventually the bad taste resolved but not the bad feeling. As I came out of this stage all I ate was chicken salad because it was simple to prepare and easy to eat.
I still carry some of those thoughts around food and seeing some foods as treats that really are bloody awful for you – anything processed with sugar or salt, chips, chocolate, pastries, ice-creams – and I can’t seem to shake that view and I’m not sure how to.
The first contributing factor I can identify is hunger and so I’m going to try to combat that by eating more. Seems obvious right? I need to try to find ‘healthy’ snacks that aren’t goddam humus or apples with tahini paste! Don’t even start with celery sticks! If I can perhaps add another small meal about 3pm which is when I get quite hungry I might find I don’t feel the need for the bad stuff. The Fizz sticks have replaced the coffee urge and with coffee often comes a visit to the bakery so that’s reduced the donuts. I haven’t had one at all since last week – woo 5 days!
Oh and no headaches today but could that be because some caffeine makes it way into decaf coffee??
So bring on Day Seven and no headaches and less hunger.