Day 19: Sabotage

I seem unable to stick to any plan especially when it involves limiting myself, or what I perceive as limiting.  Today I went to a kids party and was offered a coffee and said yes. Right after I’d finished a fizz stick drink (containing caffeine) and I was standing at a hot, steamy indoor public swimming pool. Not even ideal weather or circumstances for a coffee!  I just couldn’t be bothered saying no or adding ‘decaf please’ to the order, because yeah that’s so hard.  I just really gave zero f%#ks (sorry Mum) about it today.
When I get in any sort of mood or frustrated or irritated, the good plans go out the window faster than you can say ‘commitment’ and I have no idea why or how to counter that!
And it’s really only academic at this point. I’d like to know why I do it but at age 43 I can’t see myself changing, can you?
I am however pleased with some of what I’ve achieved in the last couple of weeks. Mainly writing all this down and sticking to a mostly daily schedule of writing. That’s been beneficial and I’ve enjoyed it and I know writing is one thing I want to do more of – however it comes about.
I feel sure that sabotage is a pretty normal human thing to do and that comforts me, like it’s an essential part of this process. A hurdle to overcome and recognise that wouldn’t be there if you weren’t doing something right.
So I’m going to tell myself that I’m perfectly on track and this is all normal and unless it’s another form of subtle sabotage, I’m sure I will be!

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