Day 23: Lost momentum

I’ve been updating this blog as a part of NaNoWriMo, an online community who encourage each other to write across the month of November.  But also so I could detail the impact of making a change in my diet and taking on a program including some meal replacement and caffeine replacement elements.

I couldn’t really tell you why but after about 3 weeks I lost interest in updating the blog and also in the progress of my health.  There seem to be so many complicated factors involved in how I feel day to day and the first week and a half of progress feels like it has been overshadowed by further developments.  I haven’t felt as tired in the evenings or to be needing as much sleep therefore I haven’t gone to bed as early as I was which might have been a mistake because I’ve had quite a sore back and been feeling achey across most of my body.

I don’t know why but I’ve lost any feeling of continuous improvement, perhaps it’s plateaued but I wake most days just feeling blah (that’s the best description I can come up with!).

I did have a realisation a day or so ago that while I’ve been achieving a hell of a lot, I haven’t actually been doing anything much fun for myself.  I sort of feel like I need a holiday but I’ve had quite a bit of work on also and the resentment is quick to build up there again.

I’ve resorted to my mantras in my head…

You can do this, you can do this, you can do this…

You’re doing amazing, you’re doing amazing, you’re doing amazing

Trying desperately to convince myself.  I’m a bit sick of all the appointments that have been going on forever but there are more to come in the next 3 weeks before I’m done.  Once my daughter goes on holidays I am trying to have none booked in but before that it’s pyshio, chiro, breast ultrasound, tyre check, christmas pageant, psychologist, aircraft inspection, ship inspection, massage, school mass, breast doctor and business networking event.  Does one person really need so many appointments in their week?  I can draw from this that I am ramping up what I can do and achieve in the week but not necessarily enjoying it.

I read a blog today from an old acquaintance who is recovering from cancer.  She expressed frustration that a wound infection and antibiotic resistance was stopping her from getting back on the road to recovery and I thought to myself, you are on the road, m’dear, you have to remember the road doesn’t always go where you want it to.  And then suddenly realised that’s good advice for myself!  I do need to pay attention to this reluctance to be a little busier and perhaps even though I have the extra energy, it’s not wise to rush around using it up.

I forgot one last appointment – with the integrative doctor to check my thyroid levels – the reason for all this crap.  However, I am looking forward to that one, I’m really curious what the levels will report and to see if he recommends a different treatment from here on in.  It dawns on me after all this that perhaps the further treatment is in fact required for my mood and my mind and not so much on the physical any longer.

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