Day 30: Giving up why

Things have been getting better for me.  Progress is slow but I can tell it’s happening especially when I read back over my blogs of the last few years.  A constant question that bothers me however, is why?  And not so much the existential why me and why did this happen, but a more practical, why?

I caught myself earlier feeling bothered by the ache in my hip.  It’s been a lot worse in the last couple of weeks, relieved slightly by a visit to the chiro, but today it hurts enough to bother me while sitting and I stood up to stretch thinking why does this hurt?  It’s a tricky question because of the reason I want to understand.  I want to know what I did to make this hurt so that I won’t do it again.  And when I pose the question why? about the whole 3 years I place the blame squarely at my own feet.  I must’ve done something to get myself into this state.  I must’ve not looked after myself properly and caused it.  I’m thinking this today while trying to stretch out the ache in my hip and it’s not a good feeling.  It makes me feel flat because not only am I blaming myself but also I’m saying that I don’t know why this has happened so therefore I may not be able to avoid it happening again – the hip pain or the whole fatigue thing.

It’s a pretty large burden to place at my own feet.  I mean really, I don’t have a manual to this body!  No one does and whilst we try to keep up with advice on healthy eating it can definitely be misleading and confusing.  Just Google red wine or coffee or dark chocolate.  Depending on what you read they are good for your health, bad for your health or both depending on how old you are!

I definitely wasn’t looking after myself back then, as well as I do now, which is a shame because I would have liked to see the benefit of it with a 100% ok body (assuming it was!).  Perhaps I will one day find myself back to feeling really good instead of  just ok but can I really blame myself entirely for spinning off into thyroid hell because I got a virus?  Post-viral fatigue is a very well documented condition when you think of glandular fever.  Which is why for a long time I’d just tell new people that’s what I had, because they had a marker for it and a grasp on what it meant.  I did test positive to Epstein-Barr virus but then so do most of the population.  It’s more likely I suppose that it was Parvovirus B19 and that might explain the aches I keep suffering now.

There again is that need to understand because I think I will be able to do something about it if I know the reason.  To challenge this assumption, I would ask myself what I could have done differently had I known this would be the outcome.  In the beginning, I would have tried to rest more, instead of just pretending it was going away.  In fact I would have to send myself to bed now if I felt that cement feeling in my veins again, instead of soldiering on.  I assumed that since I could get out of bed, even though it was hard, I could, so I did.  I would definitely rest more if it happened again.  I would eat better instead of becoming ambivalent because nothing I seemed to do made a difference.  I ate chocolate and drank coffee because they perked me up but when I finally plucked up the courage to ditch both, I found they had been holding my energy back as well.

As far as getting the virus goes, I couldn’t have changed that, because this could have happened to anyone and so I shouldn’t be blaming myself for that.  And an answer to why me?, really only has the response just coz’.

I guess I’ve always had an enquiring, scientific mind which assumes there is an answer to everything and you only have to look hard enough and in enough ways, to find the answer.  What if I gave up that idea?  What would that mean for me.  What if I stopped asking why?  Can I stop asking why?

The older I’ve gotten the more times I have definitely come across events or situations that don’t have an answer to the question why?  In fact the more I think about it, I actually came across this idea quite early.  Particularly where tragedy is involved why? can drive you mad and almost always has no answer.

Having given away the need to understand why for this situation and finding it so irritating when people suggest ‘it was the universe’s plan to get you where you are’, I perhaps just have to apply it again to the smaller situations I’m facing in my life and start with the hip pain.  Yes it’s been there for a long time and I can’t seem to find one thing that causes it or makes it better but it’s there.  It just is.  Not asking why, doesn’t mean I have to give up on finding a solution or seeking assistance for it but means I give up on the reasons and just know that it’s here.  I don’t have a map or manual for this body.  I don’t have a troubleshooting page I can turn up to provide the answer to hip pain aged 43.

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