This week I will try and get better. I am changing the way I work and trying to change the way I do things. I have been thinking a bit about the lists of things to do and the things I actually need to do. I’ve always chased the finish line, the completion of the tasks and the feeling of success that comes with finalising a job. The more I slow down, the more the lists of things pile up so I started to look more carefully at what I really need to do. A few months ago I got a cleaner because I wasn’t keeping up and that’s been a relief. I tried shopping online but it actually brought more annoyance when the fresh foods that arrived were of a poor standard and they’d substituted goods for ones I wouldn’t have chosen myself. So I changed that strategy to shopping at the ‘expensive’ supermarket around the corner and discovered it often has a nice selection of fresh foods and if I plan what I want to cook on the walk around there I only buy what I need and nothing goes to waste anymore. I have started to strike things off the list – mowing the lawn, buying and installing a composter and a tarpaulin to cover the lounge I can’t fit inside; cleaning out my work-space drawers, taking the books back to the library (calling to extend them instead) and calling friends back are all jobs that had been cut off the list. I’ve also cut out mid-week Internet searches except for work purposes and substituted reading in bed for TV.
I want to continue my study so I sit down for half an hour at a time to read the text book, usually combined with the little one watching a DVD and cuddling next to me. Yesterday I tried this, but the words would not go in, the just kept bouncing off my eyeballs! I’ll keep trying.
I’ve obtained a vitamin potion for myself with no clear idea of why except that it was labelled under ‘Immune System’ in the chemist and the ingredients familiar ones recommended for ‘getting over things’; Echinacea, B5,6 and Betacarotene, C, E and zinc. Three tablets a day along with the 2 anti-inflammatories that I will continue to taper off after the next fortnight is done, hoping that something has changed.
I’ve found that the less you do – when you can only do less – after a while, the jobs stretch out into the space you have and you don’t feel so empty anymore. I think it’s the reverse idea of ‘if you want something done give it to a busy person’… perhaps this would be ‘if you want to appreciate something being done, give it to someone who can’t’. I can feel the potential for some friendships and relationships to fade away a little due to this, but part of me again has no time to think about it.