And there it was…

An hour with nothing needing to be done.  No stress, no worries and no fears.

Finally after more than a year since first becoming ill (probably more than 4 years) and since March 31, 2015 when I realised I was killing myself and went in to work to tell my team as of the next day I would no longer be their manager, to now…only 32 weeks to the day.  Tuesday to Tuesday.  Only 32 weeks.  For one hour.  Man if that’s the ratio we’re working with, recovery is going to take a LOOONNNNG time.

After 3 days and 4 nights of broken sleep with a fevering 3-year-old and some interesting dream discussions along the way, she finally was well enough to go to-day care today which allowed me time to help my passengers stuck overseas in Bali.  I know.  Coz that’s what you want to do with your free time.  It’s one of the parts of my job I hate and love.  Helping people get home is a great feeling.  Being on call at the whim of volcanoes isn’t.

Then I read the post I put up earlier from Kurt.  Now that was a helpful list.  What particularly stuck in my mind was the advice to achieve something daily, even putting on socks, and then congratulating yourself when you’ve done.  The congratulating stuck with me and I felt inspired enough to attempt the TAFE assignment I’ve been putting off.  I’m only 2 behind now, but I read it, read it again, read it again and finally got past the confusing wording and started.  Then I congratulated myself and put it back down again.  This small achievement made me feel really good.

When I was trying to find an airline flying to Adelaide from Denpasar airport today or tomorrow, the relatively mindless task allowed me to consider where I would go if I wanted to suddenly please myself.  I decided I might book a business class ticket to Paris, just to walk the streets of the Left Bank for a while and eat a pain au chocolat and drink strong coffee.  Hmm perhaps not a good destination for gluten and dairy free.  Anyway, I’d book Singapore Airlines or Emirates – one of the good ones – and just luxuriate out.  Please myself and not care about the cost.  I may still.  But probably not until I’m completely better.

I realised, this year has been so restricted in so many ways – being ill, being a single parent, having a limited network of people, the food I can eat being whittled away that it’s not surprising at all I feel the desire to bust out of the corner I’ve ended up in.  But I stopped, to congratulate myself, as Kurt would suggest, for coming this far and not losing my mind.  I’ve been pretty angry, and I’m not saying it won’t come back, but I haven’t lost it.

Sitting behind my computer is an award I was given at the January Ball for Most Improved consultant in all of our area – it means out of everyone I had made the biggest difference in the previous 6 months.  That was me earlier this year.  See why I got angry?

Since then, I’ve lost a lot of respect from people (who probably weren’t worth it) for not doing what they expected.  I’ve lost income, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost my sense of humour and I’ve lost weight!  But I didn’t lose my mind.

So what did I spend my time doing?  Writing this blog of course!  And going for a short walk around the block to the shop to buy a lemon for my homemade ginger ale.  All things to congratulate myself on.

Go.  Find something to congratulate yourself on.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s