Last night I had an attack of what I am going to describe as the ‘What If? horrors’.
Having embraced and digested (pardon the pun) my dairy allergy, it dawned on me that I could soon be better than I have been for the last 8 months. On my first afternoon free I raced to the shop and bought dairy free cheese, soy milk, rice milk, quinoa DF crackers, gluten/dairy/wheat free chocolate chip bickies and dairy free yoghurt. I revelled in non-dairy.
But suddenly my excitement at recovering was followed with the question, what if I don’t find myself better? I felt a strange almost fear of both eventualities. If I find myself getting better does that mean I went through all this for nothing? How would I ever know? No-one can tell me if this allergy was there to begin with or was induced by anti-inflammatory use or when it started. I felt quite scared of becoming better and the confusion from people who I don’t see that often. Having only just gotten to a point where either I no longer care that people misunderstand me (and I no longer contact them) or I have sufficiently engaged in enough explaining to help the ones around me understand my limitations. What if that all suddenly drops away? What will they think?
And what if this doesn’t help me improve? More hope dashed against the rocks, and these hopes are Hawaii pipeline sized. I would be disappointed, my family and close friends would be too. And what does it mean that I still have a slight metallic taste in my mouth? No-one has been able to explain that either.
I realised I was thinking about all this whilst reading my book, you know how that happens sometimes? You think you’re reading but you have to go back over an entire paragraph because you’ve been talking in your head!? So I put my book down and tried to slow down the steam train of fear headed my way.
It is what it is.
I have hated that phrase because it’s so ‘resigned’ but it’s true. I have played the good detective and been active in trying to find results for my own recovery. This seems like a big key but it is what it is and I just need to let time play out without my hopes and dreams riding along.