Since I got back on Sunday, I’ve felt like a jug full of water with a slow leak, draining energy away that was topped up by the holiday. Which is strangely, the exact opposite of what I thought would happen and that the holiday would take more energy than I had, and leave me exhausted, not that I would begin to feel exhausted by coming home.
Trying to find the reason for the difference, I suppose it makes sense to realise that on holiday, I only had to worry about myself and really didn’t have to make many efforts at all. On holiday, I slept well, except for one night and probably overall better than I do at home. I was able to eat what and when I wanted and drink a lot of water. Why is it so hard to remember to drink water at home?
I’m already having trouble relaxing and sleeping, the allergies are back – damn Adelaide’s northern winds – and the worries about money, juggling responsibilities and energy. Some people are on my mind – friends I’ve lost touch with – that I somehow feel the responsibility for the loss of our friendship.
When I made the decision to step down from my role as manager and reduce to only 2 days a week work, I remember feeling briefly excited – honestly so brief that it maybe lasted 30 seconds – and hasn’t been back since. I just found the post where I wrote about it here.
Re-reading that shows me just how far I’ve come in the 6 months since April. That was really raw. I can recognise that my health has definitely improved but perhaps what I’d hoped was that I’d have the time and energy to write and become a writer, to reduce the stressful impact of my job on my life and to spend more time with my daughter. Actually I have gotten some way towards all of those things, and I realise now I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Back then, I naively assumed that stepping down would help me feel better within a few weeks. How laughable now, this fatigue is as immovable as a big, black, heavy rock.
It’s helped to read in my own words how bad things were back then and recognise that they are better. Perhaps I’m just dealing with my added frustration today.